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LONELINESS
Genesis 2:15-25
John 17:13-19
March 8, 2009
This is the second Sunday in Lent. Lent is a season of reflection on our sinful position before God, and on the consequences associated with living in a sinful world. Lent intentionally has a dark feeling. Last week we talked about the general nature of suffering. Today I want to talk specifically about loneliness. Joyce Hugget said, “Loneliness is the anxiety that you do not matter at all.” I like that definition, because it doesn’t focus exclusively on isolation, but also includes our self perception. Loneliness isn’t just a function of whether you do, or don’t, have other people around you. Loneliness can also be how you feel about yourself and your relationship to others.
I really like our Old Testament reading this morning. You are familiar with the Genesis account of creation. In the beginning God creates the heavens and the earth, he speaks light into existence and separates it from darkness, and at the conclusion of the first day God says that, “It is good!” Each of the six days of creation follows the same pattern, with God looking back at the end of the day and deciding that it is good. On the seventh day God rests.
Then, God makes this beautiful oasis – the Garden of Eden, and puts Adam into it. Adam has barely arrived when God makes this monumental statement. Adam is lonely, and that is not good! The first imperfection ever noted in creation was loneliness. Now, loneliness is not a sinful condition. You notice this happens before sin has come into the world. But, God recognizes immediately that loneliness could be harmful to the man. This has to be fixed, and it has to be fixed right now; before there is damage.
There is something else that is very important to notice here. At this point, Adam is sinless; he can come into the direct presence of God with no fear. As the only being created in the image of God, Adam can seek the Lord out anytime he wants. And yet, that relationship with God is not enough for Adam. It is God who recognizes that Adam needs to be able to spend time with others who are like him. Is it surprising to you that a relationship with God is not all that we need?
There is nothing wrong with having alone-time. There is nothing wrong with enjoying your own company and taking some time with yourself. But, it is very clear that we were created to be in community. The hermit, who moves to a cave in a deep, dark, forest; and makes the decision to live in complete isolation with only God for companionship – is not transcending to a higher spiritual level. In fact, he is living outside of Biblical wisdom. We were created to be in community. The absence of human contact creates loneliness, and loneliness has consequences.
There are physical consequences to loneliness. Social isolation doubles the chances of illness or death. A 1987 report in Science magazine determined that loneliness is as much a threat to your life as smoking, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, obesity, or lack of exercise. Having good friends can make a ten year difference in your life span. And, were not talking about ten extra years confined to bed in the nursing home. We’re talking about ten more years of vibrant, healthful, interaction with your environment.
There are doctors who deal specifically with geriatric illnesses; they specialize in care of the elderly. Do you know what the single largest complaint they hear is? Is it loss of vision, loss of hearing, or loss of memory? None of the above. The single largest complaint, and the largest contributor to poor health is, “I wish young people would include me in what they’re doing. I know it’s not easy. I know I’m difficult to transport back and forth. I know my diet and my eating schedule are inconvenient. I know my bedtime creates difficulties. But, I wish the young wanted me in their life. I wish my participation was desirable. I wish I was included.” Doctors say the biggest complaint they hear is loneliness.
There are emotional consequences to loneliness. Everyone faces problems in life. We face them on a daily basis. When we are lonely our problems seem worse. King David writes, “Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Relieve the troubles of my heart, and bring me out of my distress (Psalms 25:16-17).” He is facing the same trouble he’s been dealing with for over a year. But, this time he doesn’t have any friends with him. He’s lacking companionship. And, his troubles seem worse than ever before. An unknown psalmist writes, “I lie awake; I am like a lonely bird on the housetop (Psalms 102:7).” The number one cause of insomnia is worrying about money; number two is loneliness.
Loneliness makes it easier to get worked up and agitated. God and Moses are having this very profound discussion and at one point God says, “Now leave me alone so that my anger may burn against them and that I may destroy them (Exodus 32:10).” It is easier to be angry when we are lonely. Remember, loneliness isn’t just about isolation. A member of a family who feels unwanted, disrespected, and excluded (even though they are participating in every family event) will be more prone to fits of rage and angry outbursts.
Loneliness makes it easier to lose our purpose. King Solomon tells this story, “There was a man all alone; he had neither son nor brother. There was no end to his toil. "For whom am I toiling," he asked, "and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?" This is meaningless; a miserable business (Ecclesiastes 4:8)!” Without companionship, friendship, or love we lose track of why we struggle; why we persevere. Loneliness can be the trigger for severe, clinical, depression. Loneliness can cause the most well adjusted person to begin asking, “Why do I even bother to get up?”
Finally, loneliness can make it difficult for us to focus on solutions to our problems. Jesus goes to the Garden of Gethsemane to pray before his arrest. He asks three of the Apostles to stay awake and be an emotional support for him. They fall asleep anyway, and it leaves Jesus alone. Jesus knows that the cross is the only hope for the salvation of humanity. Yet, under stress and alone, he begins to lose his focus. He begs God to find some other way to get the job done. Now, Matthew and Mark make it sound like he just reasons his way out of despair. Luke gives us more insight (Luke 22:39-46). According to Luke, at that moment God sends Jesus an angel; a companion, a friend, someone to help dispel the fear that comes from feeling so completely alone. And, it works! Jesus emerges from the Garden totally focused.
Now, knowing everything we know about loneliness and how harmful it can be, you would think we would be getting better at developing and maintaining strong social relationships. Unfortunately, that’s just not true. A couple of years ago the American Sociological Review published a study about friendship. Prior to 1985 the average American had four very close friends. By 1985 that number had dropped to three. In 2004 the number dropped to two. In 1985 ten percent of the population had no friends. By 2004 that number had climbed to twenty five percent. One in four Americans doesn’t have a single close friend. In 1985 your family was your family, and your close friends were someone outside of that circle. By 2004 the average American couldn’t list a close friend who wasn’t also a member of their immediate family.
Do you know what they determined was the cause of the problem? Inconvenience. It’s easier to watch television than to meet a friend for dinner. It is easier to send out an e-mail than to call and discuss a problem. It’s easier to call and discuss a problem than to actually meet face to face. We were created to be in community. And yet, we now reject friendships which require sacrifice, mutual accountability, or humility. We allow ourselves to be lonely because having a friend is inconvenient.
The study determined there is also a group of people who will not pursue friendship because they are afraid they will be rejected. They got burned once, and they will not make that mistake again. Having a friend inherently comes with risk. People are sinful. People make mistakes. People let us down. If you have a friend, at some point that friend is going to disappoint you – that’s a fact. But, the consequences of not having a friend are too high to avoid the risk.
Loneliness can never be completely eliminated. No matter how social you are, no matter how many friends you have, no matter how hard you work at relationships – there will always be periods of loneliness. Dr. Randi Rashkover says that people of faith will always be out of place in this world, creating a necessary loneliness. The prophet Jeremiah certainly felt that way (Jeremiah 15:17). Because of his all consuming relationship with God, he didn’t feel like he was free to socialize with the people, or to become one of them. He felt that he had to keep himself aloof and apart.
Jesus says that as Christians we don’t even have to make that decision. We are different than everyone else. During the Last Supper, just before going to the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus prays for his Disciples. He is very specific, “I have given them your word, and the world has hated them because they do not belong to the world, just as I do not belong to the world. I am not asking you to take them out of the world, but I ask you to protect them from the evil one. They do not belong to the world, just as I do not belong to the world (John 17:14-16).” It is quite possible that some of the loneliness we endure is because we are not where we’re supposed to be. We don’t belong here. We’re supposed to be in Paradise. Until Jesus returns and takes us all home, there is always going to be an unfulfilled longing; a necessary loneliness.
Now, until that happens we don’t just throw our hands up in the air and give in. We are created to be in community, and we do the best we can to stay in community. If we’re going to take the advice of all of the studies, then this is what has to happen. First, we make sure we don’t leave anyone out who is, or has been, a part of our community. That means we are intentional about making sure our seniors are included. That’s not going to be easy – in fact, it’s going to be inconvenient. We will have to call them, and visit with them. We will have to pick them up, and then take them home afterwards. We need to get them to their doctors’ appointments, and to worship, and especially to the fellowship dinners. By the way, we have to make sure that we provide food that meets their needs – whatever their dietary constraints might be.
Second, we cannot leave it to family members to be the only support for our lonely. We must have friends, outside of our family circle, we can confide in, and care about. The bonding back to the community, back to society, must go beyond the walls of our homes.
And third, we have to make a deliberate effort to include those who fear being rejected by us. If you look through a list of those who participate in the life of this church, you will see names of some who have not been here in a long time. And, in many cases, it’s because they believe they have let us down. Some kind of a problem has popped up in their life, and they’re afraid we won’t understand. They’re afraid we will look down on them. They’re afraid we will judge and condemn them. They’re afraid that although we can really talk ‘Christanese’ (I love you my brother in faith), that the truth is we don’t really want them here. We have to go out of our way to invite back those who fear our rejection.
This isn’t something we can fix with an e-mail or a card. This is going to involve a commitment of time. This is going to get personal. This is going to be inconvenient. I want someone to make sure Venita has a ride to and from church. I want someone (besides Theresa) to check on Bud and Betty. I want someone to help get Ann to her doctor. I desperately want an adult to take the time to know Hava, and become her friend. I want someone to let the two Joe’s know we haven’t given up on them, or thrown them away.
Here is why you should do this. Friendship is a two way street. You can’t become their friend without letting them become your friend as well. And, having more close friends will help you avoid loneliness. And God says, “Loneliness is not good.”
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Carroll Saussy, “Overcoming the Isolation of Elders”, The Living Pulpit 10:1 (January – March 2001), 8-9.