MARRIAGE
Genesis 2:20b-25
Ephesians 5:22-33
June 14, 2009
Listen to this sermon HERE
The marriage of a man and a woman, who then raise their children together, has been the cornerstone of our social organization for as long as there have been people. The description of the creation of Adam and Eve is immediately followed by the first pronouncement of marriage - a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife. Marriage is the oldest social institution described in the Bible, so it is good for us to take a look at marriage.
I believe that Christianity is the only true path to God, so I want to look at the benefits especially associated with Christian marriage. Later this year we’re going to spend some time really digging deep into the why’s, how’s and wherefore’s of Christian marriage; and we’re going to tie that in to a public viewing of the film “Fireproof”. Today is our introduction to the topic. Since Art and Frances McKinley are celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary I think it is appropriate to use them as an example. I want to look at what spiritual lessons we can learn from Art and Frances.
On the surface it seems pretty obvious that if you want your marriage to endure and thrive for six decades he needs to be a pilot, and she needs to be feisty. So, Jackie and I feel pretty good about our chances. The rest of you are on your own. OK, maybe we need to go deeper than a surface examination.
Our first spiritual truth is that a good marriage begins by making a wise choice for a partner. Art graduated from high school at age 16, tried a year at U.T., then moved to Tulsa, Oklahoma (by himself) to begin training as an aircraft mechanic. Frances grew up in Nocona, but her family moved to Tulsa when she was 17 as well. They met through the Sunday school class at St. Paul Methodist church. Frances said she knew Art was a good choice from the beginning because, “He went to church and to Sunday school without his parents there making him go.” That’s an astute observation. Art worded it differently. He said, “You know, you meet a better woman in church than you do in a bar – it’s a better product.”
The first thing I want everyone else to see is that their decision process was Scriptural. The Apostle Paul writes, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Satan? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever” (2 Corinthians 6:14-15)?
Having a common belief in Jesus Christ is crucial to the success of a marriage. If one or both of the partners is not a Christian the marriage has, at best, a fifty fifty chance of survival. If both partners are Christian, but one or both of them isn’t serious about their faith (Christian in name only), the odds remain fifty fifty. If both partners are Christian, and they make an effort to publicly live what they privately believe, the chances the marriage will survive go up to 80%. Paul knew exactly what he was talking about.
I asked Art and Frances what else helped them make their choice. Frances said, “He was very handsome.” Art said, “She was pretty as thunder.” This is also Scriptural. We know that physical attraction contributes to successful dating and marriage. King Solomon writes, “How beautiful you are and how pleasing, O love, with your delights! Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit” (Song of Songs 7:6-7). He then goes on to a pretty graphic description of his lover’s body, and his desire to know her sexually. Why is this in the Bible? It tells us there is nothing wrong with being visually inspired and attracted to our spouse, sexual attraction is a gift from God.
When I asked, “How did you know this was ‘the one’?”; Art leaned across the table and said, “Weren’t you listening? I told you, she was pretty!!” Then he sat back, thoughtfully contemplated for a moment and said, “I don’t actually recall ever asking her to marry me.” Apparently Frances was a smooth operator. When I asked her how she ‘knew’, she said, “He was just so different than anyone else I had ever dated.”
This brings up another Scriptural issue. The prophet Malachi writes, “The LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel” (Malachi 2:14-16). Over the years those verses have been taken out of context to discourage divorce no matter how brutal and punitive the marriage might be.
Yes, God hates divorce. But, it’s not the procedure he hates – it’s the effect. When we look at Deuteronomy we see that initially God accepted divorce as very simple and uncomplicated procedure. It was 800 years later before he described his disapproval. The reason is that there is no good divorce; everyone involved suffers in some way. God does not want his people to suffer. What he is saying there is not, “don’t ever get divorced”. What he is saying is, “Make a smart choice the first time, and you won’t have to suffer through divorce.” Art and Frances used a variety of methods to evaluate each other, more than just momentary infatuation, before they determined ‘this is the one’.
How do I know that? Because when you ask them what the other’s greatest strength is they don’t reply with a physical feature, or an accomplishment. They rate each other based on character. Art says Frances is, “Solid, dependable, hard working, and frugal.” In their marriage Art was the one charged with procuring financial resources. He values that Frances is prudent and wise in her expenditure of those resources. It is a matter of respect for his hard work.
Frances gets very reflective when you ask her about Art’s best quality. She says, “You have to understand – I started life with a very poor self image. Art is so patient with me. More than that he is so encouraging. His constant affirmation of me has given me the courage to be a better person.” Our New Testament reading today tells husbands to love their wives like they love their own bodies; and tells wives to respect their husbands. Art and Frances live out the Scripture.
There has only been one perfect person to ever walk this earth; and he never got married. So everyone else is married to a flawed and defective partner. I asked Frances about Art’s greatest flaw. She said, “He never finishes what he starts! He gets all excited and makes a grand beginning, and then half way through he just wanders off.” When I asked Art about Frances’ greatest flaw he said, “I don’t think I should answer that.” Which brings up the next relevant Scriptural point.
When asked about forgiveness Jesus said we must be unlimited in our willingness to forgive (Matthew 18:21-22). For a marriage to work there has to be an excess of forgiveness. We must understand from the very beginning that our partner is going to let us down, they are going to frustrate us, they are going to make us angry, and they are going to hurt us. That is a given. Jesus also said to take the log out our own eye before we get too worried about the speck of dust in our partner’s eye (Matthew 7:5). If we want our own failings forgiven we must be willing to forgive our partner. That’s how you get through 60 years.
Even with forgiveness there will be hard times in marriage. Art talks about the Air Force moving them to South Dakota, in the winter, into an apartment no bigger than a closet, with three children in diapers. That creates a lot of opportunity to get on each other’s nerves. He says, “But, you just make up your mind to persevere and get through it.” Of course, that’s Scriptural. Paul says, “Suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope” (Romans 5:4). Most strong marriages will tell you that if you fight your way through the hard times, what you find on the other side is special, and wonderful, and worth the effort.
Frances says Art made her so mad once that she packed up the kids and went back to her parents’ house. Her mother thought it was just a visit. But, her grandmother had a wise and discerning spirit. After a short time her grandmother pulled her aside and said, “It’s time for you to go home.”
“Grandmother, I’m just visiting.”
“No. You’re not. And its time to go home.”
In times of trouble a smart marriage will accept wisdom and guidance from outside, rather than just stumbling around in the dark hoping to luck into the answer. That is Scriptural as well (Isaiah 1:26; John 14:14, 26). Frances says when she looks back now she can’t even remember what made her so angry.
Finally, life needs to be lived. Life can’t be mapped out or scripted; but that’s what makes life so wonderful. When you look back on the best part of your life is it what you had planned or expected? I asked Art what was the best part? He said, “We were on a vacation in New York city. We were so excited to be there. We were walking down the street past one kind of restaurant after another. Each time we opened the door Frances would almost double over with nausea. That’s how we found out she was pregnant for the first time. Man was that great news!!”
Frances says the best part of living with Art has been that it’s like being in a tornado. All of the places they’ve gone, all of the things they’ve seen, all of the experiences they have collected – it’s been wild and hectic and exciting. Jesus says life should be exciting (John 10:10). We get one life; it should be lived to the fullest. No one wants to see the vacation slides of the couple who played it safe. No one wants to hear the life story of the man who never made it off the street he grew up on. Art finished our interview by saying, “Let me show you some pictures from when I crashed once!” Like that’s a good thing! A strong marriage embraces the chaotic and unexpected.
In coming months we’re going to take an in depth, academic, look at marriage issues. But, on this 60th anniversary I can’t think of a better introduction. From Art and Frances we learn: A marriage is strongest if both partners are serious about their relationship with Jesus; strong sexual attraction is a Godly gift, not a sin; God blesses those who search diligently for the right one, rather than succumbing to surface attraction; the strongest marriages don’t revolve around a trophy wife or a six figure income, they exist when the man loves his wife like he loves his own body, and she respects him (it’s a matter of character); forgiveness has to be unlimited; persevering through the hard times brings rewards; accepting advice from those who know better doesn’t make you weak; and finally – life is to be lived.
Art and Frances – thank you for your example.